Naming Bruce 


Bruce Jenner. This image is supposed to be flattering. I can't draw the best right now because I have large hand cuticle. 

I have watched all 143 episodes of Bruce Jenner's television program, Keeping up with the Kardashians. I don't like many things, but I like this television show because I always wanted sisters. My favorite is Kim because she is calm, sleepy, and slow, like the still horse on a merry-go-round. She  likes turtlenecks, and so do I. 

But that's not why I watched all of those episodes. I watched them because knew that not only was Bruce Jenner (who was in the Olympic Games) born with the wrong genitalia; he was born with the wrong NAME. That's a "double whammi" as my neighbor across the way would say.

I watched KUWTK so I could  get to know the her in him. I watched so I could feel her true name. I wached because giving people (and infant pets) their birthrights is what I do. I watched so hard I didn't even bother to name that new royal baby. 


Any one of these FREE* unique name suggestions for Bruce Jenner would fit Her perfectly. These names are based on the rumor that he has chosen the name Belinda for Her. Belinda is not unique, but I tried to make the names sort of like Belinda because I know he likes it.  


- Brublendeever 

- Shubsplenda 

- Bekimdahh

- Belindishine 

- Khloruchesta-Romaine 

- Bezookaline

- Cha Dablenish

- Barkwheetadaught 


*not available on elitist competition naming site Ergfolswelle. Free naming is also tax deductible. 


New Unique Names For SALE


Here are some names for sale. I am offering them at a discounted rate because they were not made to order. They range from $3,000 to $14,000. They are date stamped in acid-free green ink for authenticity. 


I Feel A Birth: Frothlatoppin


I was sitting down on the duvet to watch some Shark Tank when I got a little pain in my head and immediately realized someone named Frothlatoppin was just born. A boy. I think he may live near a mesa or a plain. His mother's name is Jen, possibly Jess. If you know such a child, please let me know so that I may contact his parents with glad tidings about his name: Frothlatoppin. There is no greater tragedy than walking the earth (probably a mesa) misnamed. 




Thanks Be for Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Prudettatha 


Photograph of Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Prudettatha, circa 1623

Every Thanksgiving I sing a song of thanks for my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Prudettatha, a legendary namer and a pilgrim at the original Thanksgiving at Plymouth. She named a great number of pilgrims and even performed charitable acts of naming on the natives. She named Pocahontas, for instance. 


Chobani Yogurt Giveaway 

Does anyone want this piece of Chobani Greek Yogurt, expiration date October 27th 2013? My mother bought it for me, but I do not like pineapple. This offer is primarialy for people in the New York tri-state area, but if you want to travel for it, be my guest. 



Hail the Royal Infant!

In a rare moon, I will take it upon myself to name free of charge, for the good of the people. This I will do for the fruit of Kensington Palace. Of course, I'm somewhat surprised the court has not yet contacted me, but I did accidentally break my voicemail this weekend.  

To the naming! 

If Duchess Kate bears a male heir, he shall be known as Baguclott: His Highness, Prince Baguclott of Cambridge. Hail him! (his image below) 


If Duchess Kate bears a female heir, she shall be known as Esallatestia: Her Highness, Princess Esallatestia of Cambrige. Hail her! (her image is below). 


To Duchess Kate and Prince William the Few-Haired, I cannot empahsize enough the importance of adopting these names. A unique country with a unique people deserves an heir apparent with a name as unique as he or she. If they do not heed my words, I fear for Great Britian. I fear for the world.

As the prophecy says: The sparrows will shriek; the ratfinks will peak; all good things will crumble, in a gnarling of beaks!* 


*copyright, me 


Drawings of the Named 

Stidoxen and Clendoshie


Drumphcah and Slussytoff


Ungessette and Liwclova


I wanted to say something about each of these people, but my cat spilled cold-pressed linseed oil on my keyboard, and I find it too difficult to type.




Drawings of the Named and My Favorite Actor

I did these drawings of people I have named over the years. I also included a portrait I completed recently of my favorite actor.













Joseph Cotten









The Misnaming of Hurricanes and Glawgastia

I have to hurry in this internet post because I'm surely going to lose my electricity soon and I don't believe in batteries or hand cranks. But I need to make this known. Hurricanes are misnamed.

Tell me, how can something be named before it even exisits? It can't! Yet hurricanes are named six years in advance and by alphabetical order, at that. And they have common human names, not unique names! Not hurricane names! No wonder they're so "pissed off." 

The true name of "Sandy" is Glawgastia. Now that I've named her, she should calm a bit. I'm not even her, and I shudder everytime I hear the word "Sandy." Imagine a shudder if you're already a hurricane. YOU'RE WELCOME! 

If anyone knows anyone at the professional weather service, give them my info. It would be in everyone's best interest to consult me next time. 



Group Portrait of the Named (some of them) 


I just noticed I forgot to write the name of the little one on the right with the braid. She's "Quartzhanna," (if you couldn't tell).  



Misspelling Names: Anger Relief Tactic 

"Asquawartz, or is it Askwaqorts?" $2,300

When I'm angry at someone I know, I enjoy misspelling his/her name in correspondence. I enjoy this because I think it is the meanest thing I could possibly do. And it's always deserved. I encourage you to do it also.

If a Rebecca has failed to respond to three of your emails in a row, address her in the fourth as "Rebekah." If an Asquawartz has refused to drive you to SunglassesHut, address him in writing as "Askwaqorts."

I find especially enjoyable evil in misspelling a bi-gendered name. When my acquaintance Francis (male), refused my offer of a discounted name (30%) for his infant dog, I addressed him in a certified letter as "Frances" (female). Ha!



Interview with a Client

Engosonne, by Gabooldra. $3,500

Blog Gabooldra will now begin posting interviews and profiles of The Named. Exerpts of my first interview are below.

I spoke with Enogsonne via telephone.


Gabooldra: What has it meant to you to have a unique name?

Enogsonne: Well, I would say I like it overall. People have a hard time remembering it at first, but once I give them the hint "SUNNY EGGNOG," they don't forget it.

Tell me what you're doing with your life.

Enogsonne: Well, I just opened a Internet-based company called iBrowse. It aggregates all of the eyebrow threading and waxing services, mostly threading, in your area and helps you find the cheapest, most inexpensive option for grooming your eyebrows. Everyone has eyebrows, and most everyone has unruly ones!

Gabooldra: Are you making money?

Enogsonne: Well, the wife and I just redid our living room. She smokes Misty's, and she wanted to do the room in the Misty color scheme. You know on the box? Maybe you could put a picture of the Misty logo or box up with my interview? It's a good color scheme for a living room, ours in particular.

Gabooldra: Maybe. What are your hobbies?

Enogsonne: Hmmm... Do drinking games count?

Gabooldra: I suppose.

I like Beer Pawng.

Gabooldra: What's that?

Enogsonne: Well, it's a game where you throw balls in cups of beer.

snickers and rolls eyes





Computer Dating Profile Naming 


I have received several requests lately to create "profile names" for people who date from their computers. Here is the latest letter:


Dear Gabooldra,

I am a big fan. I am coming back to dating at a time a bit later in my life, and I'm giving Internet dating a go. The problem is: I have to come up with a profile name. I want one that is upfront about my age, but that still manages to be at least a little sexy (I'm 34).

My sweet son, Camden, helped me come up with several profile names. Will you take a look and let me know your thoughts ...?




  • MenopausalMaybe;)
  • ProbablyStillFertile3:16
  • In_Heat_With_Crow's_Feet
  • AlmostBornIn'69,Baby!
  • Diagnosed_With_HOTseoperosis
  • FrozenEggs_N'_HotLegs
  • DeMENtiaForU
  • HawtFlashy
  • Thoroughly Modern MILFY
  • Camden'sMom69
  • Salt-And-Pepper-Down-There

I don't want to take the time do Googles of each of these names, but I can bet you big bucks that most are not original. My intern agrees with me that some are even crude. Below find my reply to "34-And-Back-in-the-Pool!:


Dear 34,

I don't like any of those names. I suggest you go with "Esozzule." Also, your son could use a new name. "Blarksloe" would be far more fitting than the one he has now.

I usually would charge you $6,500 for these suggestions, but business is good, and I feel sorry for you for having to date on your computer. In fact, why would you date at all? I don't.


So, as you can see, in addition to naming children and infant pets, I also now name daters. Fees will apply moving forward.



Call to Rename The United States of America


On this, our nation's birthday, I've reminded myself of a thought I've long held: The United States of America deserves a unique name. The name "America," itself a derivative, if I'm not mistaken, of an explorer's name, is shared by far too many: entire continents (North and South America), stores in malls (American Eagle), actresses (the one on Ugly Betty), et al. 

Patriot that I am, I neglected all of my other naming all July long, and have worked soley on naming the country. Just this morning (July 4th), when I was about to give up, or at least take a break, the proper and true name for The United States of America came to me. It is The United States of Srae-Yotpitt. 

I have decided that "The United States" part should remain because it wards off thoughts of secession. 

It's a shame that The United States of Srae-Yotpitt had to wait for its 236th birthday to be properly named.

Regardless, please help me spread the word about the USSY. One way of doing so is to  loudly substitute "Srae-Yotpitt" when singing patriotic songs throughout the day. "Srae-Yotpitt, Srae-Yotpitt, God shed his grace on thee ... " Etcetera. 

Also, wtih a Sharpie or other pen you can do as I've done and mark out the former name of USSY on your money and write in the new name. 




First Gabooldra Naming Workshop

I have received hundreds of letters, emails, and phone calls from people who would like me to conduct an "online workshop" teaching naming techniques. I have hesitated to do so because so little of what I do can be taught. My abilities are a gift. I feel what I do. But you've persisted in your request, so I'll relent.  I'll will teach you what little there is of naming that is teachable. 


 1. Look at the drawings below to get a sense of the soul of each subject. 

2. Suggest a name that you feel fits each subject on the Gabooldra facebook page or in the comments section below. 

3. Verify that the names result in ZERO matches. Putting the name in quote marks (ex. "Slyxocia") ensures correct findings. 

4. I will provide feedback. Keep in mind There is only one correct name for each of these drawn subjects. None of you will likely get it right. Some, however, may come close.  






1.This first workshop will be free of charge, aside from any charges you personally may incur from your internet provider as this is an "online-workshop." Business is doing very well (as usual), and I can afford it. Furthermore, there is likely some way that my acquaintance at H&R Block can write this off as charity on my taxes. 

2. The workshop will be conducted online via Facebook and this blog. It will end promptly at 10PM on the night of Wednesday, February 1st. Workshop goers seeking feedback after that point will be S.O.O.L. 

3. I reserve the right to comment very little on your naming progress if I think your naming progress is lacking. I also reserve the right to take a while to provide feedback if I am busy with other things. My assistant may leave the feedback. 


I am beginning with drawings I have drawn because they are easiest for you to work from. Why? These drawings already have funnelled through my feeling processes and out through my pointer and thumb. I have taken what is most easily named from these subjects and presented it to you. 

In this beginning step, also have presented you with drawn images of adults. Why? Because babies and fetuses are too hard for you right now. They wear on their faces too little of themselves for, you, the novice, to work from. Yes, I could imbue some bits of their souls into my representational drawings, but the homogeny of their unformed faces makes this quite difficult and might require the use of paint, which I'm reticent to use because of the mess. 

Infant pets will be the hardest for you to name. I will explain why later. 


Christmas Pictures of the Named


This Christmas I had to draw the infant pets and children I have named through the years because I have so far received very few Christmas cards.

I'm not sure if Twarlotta still has that one pygmy ear or if the triplets still dress in matching turtlenecks, but I would be shocked if my drawings are too far off. The naming has connected us. 


Concerned About New Yorkers Aged 3-9

I'm concerned about the laziness of 3- to 9-year-old New Yorkers who chose to ride scooters everywhere instead of walking.

HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? I have seen approximately 350 of them in the past year. The little Avas, Lillies, Rexes, and Henries eat while they ride; they don't wear helmets; they zoom past less-lazy pedestrians too quickly. It's an epidemic. From here on out, everytime I see one, I will voice my concern with little Jayden/Ella's parents, who I find are usually nearby. I would appreciate it if you would do the same.



Gabooldra Needs a Logo

As literate adults can see from my help wanted sign, I need a logo for my website. Depending on how busy I am, I may consider giving a qualified graphics artist a discount on a name in exchange for his/her services. 

ALSO, I posted new sample names after I fed the cat about half an hour ago. 


Gabooldra Does Not Approve of Violations of New York City Park Rules

I live near a park, but I'm not going to tell you which one. Today I saw the blatant disregard of several of the park rules listed above.

  • First, I saw a woman feeding pigeons buns. One nearly dove into my head in the act of trying to receive bun crumbles.
  • Second, I saw a lemonade stand, which I very much doubt was operating with a permit of any sort. It was operated by several smarmy looking yuppies with cameras. They asked me to buy some lemonade. I told them I didn't have any money (lie). 
  • Third, I saw a young Boston terrier running around without a leash. It probably ate some pigeon bun.
  • Fourth, I saw a pile of men on a bench, and they were using alcohol.

I would like the people of my community to know that this rule-abiding citizen has a vigilant eye and a mouth that isn't afraid to tattle. After I publish this blog post, I will have my assistant send the link to Mayor Bloomberg and local cable affiliates I have approved. 



Gabooldra Headquarters

These are the Gabooldra headquarters. I thought you might be curious. FYI: Don't try clicking on the door. It won't open. If I get more Facebook "likes," however, I may  consider opening up the interior to you, my readers at home.